My child is scared of the dentist. How do I prepare them?

Why are they scared? Three common reasons

Because they don't know what's coming, because something hard happened before, or because they've picked up on someone else's fear. Fear in a child is normal, and it's nobody's fault, not theirs and not yours. How they see the unknown depends on their age, and sometimes more than one reason comes together.

Not knowing what's coming (and their age)

A three-year-old understands the world through what they see, hear and touch, and fixes on one thing: the sound of the instrument, the light above their head, the chair tipping back. Long explanations don't reach them; short words and play do. A seven- or eight-year-old understands if you explain with things they already know. From about twelve, they want to know why, and they want their opinion heard.

A hard experience before

Many children meet the dentist for the first time when they're already in pain and need treatment that isn't easy. So their first memory of the place is pain, and it stays with them into the next visit. That's why it's better for the first visit to come before anything hurts. If something hard happened before, even somewhere else, tell the clinic (more in Before the appointment).

Your own fear

A child reads your face before they read the room. If you're afraid of the dentist, your fear reaches them even if you say nothing: in your tone of voice, in the “don't be scared” repeated all the way there. That isn't your fault. But try not to pass your fear on to them. If that's hard, let a calm adult from the family go into the room with them instead, while you stay at the clinic. If you want to work on your own fear, it has a page of its own: When the visit is hard. If you have an appointment of your own and dread it: What to do before your appointment.

What to say at home, and what not to

Few words, calm and honest. Many children hold on to the word itself more than the “not” around it: from “it won't hurt”, what stays with them is “hurt”, and from “don't be scared” they gather there's something to be scared of.

Using the dentist as a threat teaches them that the dentist is a punishment, so they walk into the clinic waiting to be punished. Let the dentist be an ordinary part of their life, not a threat.

Before the appointment: what's in your hands

A rested child, and a good picture of the place before they arrive. Here are the steps that are up to you:

1. 1

   Pick a time when they're restedA morning appointment if you can, not after school when they're tired, and not at nap time. Make sure they aren't hungry. A tired child gets scared faster, and runs out of patience faster.

2. 2

   Play “the dentist counts your teeth”The day before: they open their mouth and you count their teeth out loud, then they count yours, or their teddy's. That way the chair and the open mouth become something they know, not a surprise.

3. 3

   A story or calm pictures of the placeA short story about a child who went to the dentist and had their teeth counted, or pictures of a chair and a small mirror. They arrive with a good picture of the visit, and it gives them a chance to ask. Answer in short sentences, and leave the rest to the dentist.

4. 4

   Tell the clinic, not in front of themWhen you book, say that they're scared, what happened before if anything did, and any illness, medicine or allergy they have. That way the visit is planned around them, and you don't have to say it in front of them in the room.

On the way there, don't pile on advice. One calm sentence is enough, then talk about something else.

What happens inside the clinic?

First they hear, then they see, and only then is anything done. It's a well-known approach in children's dentistry called “tell, show, do”, and one of the most used with a child who is scared:

1. 1

   TellThe dentist explains what he's going to do, in words for your child's age: not the names of instruments, but words they already know.

2. 2

   ShowYour child sees the instruments that can be shown, hears their sound, and feels some of them, like the mirror or the cleaning brush, on their hand or fingernail before they go anywhere near their mouth.

3. 3

   Then doThe dentist does what he described, and if something new is needed, he explains it first. So your child knows what's coming: it's the surprise that frightens, not the instrument.

Before explaining, the dentist asks: what is it that scares you? The noise? The chair? Something that happened before? After it, another one: did that make sense? Is there anything you want to ask? That way the explanation follows their fear, not every child's fear.

Between steps there are short breaks, and something to keep their mind busy. There's also a signal agreed before anything starts: they put their hand up, and for most steps the dentist stops straight away. The few steps that can't be paused halfway, they hear about before they start, not in the middle.

The clinic treats children from the first tooth to their teens, and Dr. Adnan Alakhras's postgraduate degree is a clinical master's in paediatric dentistry. What the clinic does for children, in detail: Children's dentistry.

And where are you?

Usually beside them in the room, and a calm parent close by tends to reassure them. Sometimes the dentist will ask you to sit behind them or step out for a minute, if he sees it helps your child settle and cooperate, and he tells you why beforehand. That decision is made with you, not for you. Your part inside is to stay calm and leave the talking to the dentist.

After the visit: what do you praise?

The trying, not the result. If all they did was sit in the chair without opening their mouth, that's still something they did, and it deserves to be named.

• Name exactly what they did. “You sat in the chair all by yourself” or “You opened really wide and let the dentist count your teeth”, not just “well done”. Praise that names the thing tells them what to do again next time.
• Let them tell you what happened. Ask “What did the dentist do? Did he count your teeth?”, not “Did it hurt?”. When they tell the story in their own words, they remember it as something they managed.
• Don't compare them with anyone. “Your brother didn't cry” doesn't encourage them; it adds shame on top of their fear.
• And if the visit wasn't finished, don't scold them. Tell them what they did well, and the next visit starts from where you stopped, not from zero.

Dr. Adnan's article on winning a child's cooperation quotes an idea that has been part of children's dentistry for more than a hundred years: the goal isn't only a clean tooth. It's a child who walks out wanting to come back, even if there were a few tears along the way.

Questions people ask